Love Unconditionally

I am sitting here on my bed-staring out the windows-staring at the walls. Nothing inside my head. Infinite possibilities inside my head. Too many things to think on and not enough time to devote to even one.

There have been times that I have hated my life. Things were so difficult, so I thought, that almost anything else would be more promising than “my life”! I know now that that was not true. Though times can be tough at times and I can feel that I just want to change everything…after the dust settles and I am in my room…looking out the windows…looking at these walls…my life is my own. That means I make it what I want it to be. So…if I want to be miserable…I make it miserable!!!!!  If I want to be happy…I make it happy!  Life, in general, is difficult. It is meant to be so. If it were simple, there would be no wars or starvation or homelessness. Life is what we make of it. All of the difficult things we are going through just make us appreciate and respect those in our lives and the world that we live in. We, as humans, are so very complex. We like to think we are simple, but no…give us the basics and we want more. Give us the best there is to offer and we want more. It all depends on where we are on the path of wisdom and knowledge…of ourselves and of others. I know that I can be manipulative. I don’t necessarily like that aspect of myself, but I acknowledge it and own it and that allows me a certain power over it. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I know what I can take and where I plan to go. Whether or not I get there…that is up to me. Where will you go?

And once again, I feel like a zombie. Had a busy weekend and was not productive at all regarding school work. I am really behind on two essays and my grade will probably be adversely effected…however, I currently have an A, so if it goes down to a B I can handle that. I still have a final exam to take on Wednesday, two quizzes due by Friday at midnight and another test due by Saturday night at midnight. I have lost all motivation to complete these two measley classes but I can’t afford to do poorly.

Sooooooo, after 8 hours of work and 20 hrs of no sleep, I am awaiting my professor to arrive so I can beg extra time…or at least til midnight tonight, to turn in both essays. Here is to wishful thinking…maybe it will pay off.

OMG! I have only gotten about 6 hours of sleep off and on in the last two days…I worked third shift last night and got about 45 min of sleep this morning when I finally got home. Had to take my car to the shop to get some work done on it. That is another story entirely; one that is not altogether nice. Anyway, I went to the gym and worked out legs and back and then came home. I was so upset about the price of repairing my car ($1500), that I needed some serenity. So we all piled in the car and went to Green Mountain. It is so peaceful and calm up there. It did its job and my spirit rested. Now I am home…procrastinating two essays…just had a shower, so at least I smell and feel good, but I am so freaking tired! I just need to bust out these essays, which are mostly written already, and crawl my happy ass into bed. Oh, heavenly bed, I know you await my arrival with open covers. I long to feel you carress my skin and allow me to burrow deeply into your pillows while my mind flies to never never land.

Sheesh, I have been working my ass off for damn near two months and while I have seen numerous strength gains and I do see where there are inch deficits in certain areas I have not lost but only a few lbs. Talk about frustrating. I have dramatically changed my diet, however, my stupid ass has replaced all the carbs that I cut out with tequila. How in the world did I think that would be acceptable and work? So, starting today, I intend to cut out all (ok, well, most) alcohol and add more cardio during the week. I workout with a trainer 3 days a week. He does an excellent job at kicking my butt, but it is time to stop making the last remnants of excuses and get serious and disciplined and get ready for dramatic changes. I got this. Now that my head is on straight! Sheesh! Talking about learning the hard way.